On Returning / Ambition and Nerves

I’ve got used to being back at home. That was always going to be the danger of my unscheduled return home. Home cooking, no early mornings, no constant planning. It has become easy. It has been nice. I will always like home. My time these last few weeks has seen me find my old phone and reactivate it, buy a new wallet, and get everything arranged in order to travel again, but I have also spent a lot of time doing nothing, watching television, being inactive. Yet at times when it would have looked like I was doing nothing, I was in fact doing something. I have spent a lot of time reflecting. I have been thinking about my future, my present, and importantly my past. I have been taking it all in. Constant travelling can mean that one does not fully take in what is going on, what is happening. In this way, the break has been advantageous. I have thought of everything I have seen, everything I have done, and everyone I have met and I have thought of the lessons I have learnt and how I have changed; and I have changed. Even if it is not obvious to most, it is to me.

I am known for not finishing things I start, my personal history is littered with things started with bright ambition and enthusiasm and then slowly dropped. I tend not to stick at things. Although no one has said this to me, I certainty wonder whether this is what my friends and family thought would happen now, it was in the back of my mind so I would be surprised if it wasn’t in theirs; but I want to go back. I want to finish what I started. I want to finish the tour.

Tomorrow I will set out to recommence the tour. I can’t remember exactly how I felt when I started, but I don’t recall feeling as nervous as I do now. The break has weakened me in a way, has stopped the momentum that was carrying me through. When I set out, I eased myself in by starting in Belgium, and a concern for me now is how I will handle Bulgaria, Greece, Cyprus and Malta. These four are the most difficult countries to get to and all but one use a different alphabet. This was always going to be the toughest part of the tour, and now I have no momentum it feels like even more of a challenge.

With all this said, the only real choice for me is to finish the tour. It is something I want to do and something I would regret if I didn’t finish it and I can only feel that minimizing the number of regrets one has in their life is a good way to try to live. I may be nervous and feel weak, but I will get through it in the same way I got this far, doing it one step at a time.

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